Mal here.

I write this post with a heavy heart as listen to Taylor Swift’s Speak Now album. It was only a matter of time before I felt the need to weigh in on Taylor Swift’s twatiness, huh? Like don’t get my wrong folks. I listen to Taylor Swift once a day at a minimum. But goddamn, what a self righteous fuck. I actually think at this point I hate Taylor Swift more than Jess hates Anne Hathaway. And I’m going to keep listening to her music, and that’s going to make me hate her AND myself even more. Way to go Taylor.

Let’s take a minute to break it down for those of you who get your news from Dinner With Stu (seriously read a newspaper you guys.)

1) Our girls Amy and Tina hosted the Golden Globes a few weeks back. Ugh. Perfection. Right? One day Jess and I will host the Golden Globes and people will be like “Well. They weren’t Amy and Tina. But at least they weren’t LL Cool J.”

2) They made a silly joke about Taylor Swift and Michael J Fox’s son.  Kind of like a man-eater joke. NBD. They made a lot of silly jokes! Ugh! So many jokes! Love them!

3) As per usual, Taylor cried about it. But she didn’t just like take to her Twitter or something like a normal person. SHE QUOTED MADELINE ALBRIGHT THE FIRST US FEMALE SECRETARY OF STATE (IN VANITY FAIR) and said “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” WOAH WOAH WOAH. WOAH.

4) So my girl Amy who is nothing but sweet sweet class and wit was all “Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff.” Ugh Amy. You’re perfect. See you in hell girl. And then Tina was all “It was just a joke and I think it was actually a very benign joke.” Because duh. Tina. Ever the realist. It was a benign joke. What am I even doing writing this post? Why are we still talking about this?

Here’s why:

5) Wait what! There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women? NO WAY! BUT GET THIS. Taylor is decidedly not a feminist. She just doesn’t see the world like that. She’s written anti-woman songs (sorry your BF cheated sweetheart. Take it out on HIM). And she has the audacity to invoke Madeline Albright to talk about women who don’t help women? She has a platform in front of millions and millions of teenage girls. Use that platform for The Cause, lady. Stand up at just one of your concerts and tell the young women in the crowd that they deserve EVERYTHING. Equal pay. Protection against domestic violence. A right to their health. Tell your fans to help women. Women helping women. WOMEN!

And here’s another thing. Let’s talk about women who are helping women:

6) Tina Fey created a show with a main character who navigated the complexities of having strong career goals and a desire for family (and this wasn’t her first foray into creating content surrounding women’s issues. See Mean Girls and Baby Mama). And while duh I know Liz Lemon is a fictional character, we all know that was based on Tina’s time as head writer at SNL. As someone who has thought about balancing career and family since I was 9 YEARS OLD when I realized the world wasn’t set up for me to have it all, I look to both Tina and Liz as examples that we can do it all. Not easily. But that we can do it. So thanks for that, Tina. From me and a lot of women.

7) Amy. Amy. Amy. We could talk about Leslie Knope if we wanted to. That’s who I would be if I had no one to reign me in (Thanks mom and dad. Thanks friends.) Because Leslie is a successful, ambitious, beautiful, professional who cares about her community, mentoring young women, oh and also loves pancakes. But let’s talk about Amy. Let’s talk about Smart Girls at the Party. Let’s talk about her work for the National Domestic Workers Alliance. Let’s talk about her support of the Draw the Line campaign. PLUS she has a successful network TV show. And she’s a single mother of two young boys. Are you fucking kidding me? Somebody hand me a page from Amy’s book. I’m taking it.

8) Fine. Let’s just sum it up with this excerpt from Tina Fey’s book. Talk about furthering The Cause. Tina. Amy. You two helped make it okay for me and Jess to (try to) be funny and not feel like we needed to (try to) be cute. As evidenced here. And here. And here. Can you believe that men still have sex with us even though those videos exist? We have Tina and Amy to thank for that. And our good hair.

I think Lena Dunham said it best when Anne Hathaway was getting a lot of woman hating flack around Oscar time (and DWS is guilty of that. And I honestly feel bad about it. See mom? I do have a soul.) “Ladies: Anne Hathaway is a feminist and she has amazing teeth. Let’s save our bad attitudes for the ones who aren’t advancing the cause.” LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT.

Amen Lena. I’ll never be jealously woman hating towards you again.

(Steps off soapbox. Puts tourniquet around bleeding liberal heart. Plays Taylor Swift’s Begin Again because she just can’t fucking help herself).

HEY READERS. It’s your last chance to see our Sweet Kisses show at the Upstairs Gallery. TONIGHT! 8PM! BYOB! FREE (but we’ll take your donations because improv gets shockingly expensive).

Super amazing openers Squall and Fanny will be there. Ugh gosh it’s going to be so deliciously good. We love it so much. We love you so much. We love each other so much. We have so much love to give. Come take some of our love! Take some of our Sweet Sweet KISSSSSSES!!!!

5219 N. Clark St.

upstairsgallery:

Thursday- February 7, 14, 21, 28- 8pm, Free (Donations Accepted), BYOB

What better month to get your fill on Sweet Kisses than February?

Join us Thursdays to enjoy a totally romantic or platonic night of improv and fun. Each show features a new team and an Upstairs Gallery house team. We’d love to see you there!

THIS WEEK featuring Squall and Fanny!

(Facebook Event)

Aw yeah. Only 2 more chances to see Sweet Kisses perform at The Upstairs Gallery! Tonight, Alto Valley (Bass Mountain) and The Lost Boys will be opening. It’ll be a whole lot of laughs. A whole lot of sexy. A whole lot of sloppy wet sweet sweet sweet kisses. MWAH.

8pm. Free. Donations Accepted. BYOB. 5219 N. Clark St. Be there. Or be an asshole. The choice is yours.

upstairsgallery:

Thursday- February 7, 14, 21, 28- 8pm, Free (Donations Accepted), BYOB

What better month to get your fill on Sweet Kisses than February?

Join us Thursdays to enjoy a totally romantic or platonic night of improv and fun. Each show features a new team and an Upstairs Gallery house team. We’d love to see you there!

THIS WEEK featuring Alto Valley (Bass Mountain) and the Lost Boys

(Facebook Event)

Hey readers! We need your help! We’ve got a fucking awesome idea for a video. It’s probably going to skyrocket us to fame, fortune, and multiple stints in Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. The only problem is that we need an office to film it in.

If you have an office we could use for some filming on an evening or weekend, let us know. Ideally your office has cubicles. Ah cubicles would be THE BEST! Please help us!

We’ll thank you in our Emmy speeches (at this point I’m hoping neither of us ever wins an Emmy because we’ve promised to thank so many people). dinnerwithstu@gmail.com 

Yep. Us again. Doing a Valentine’s Day show. So grab the one you love. Or love the one you’re with. Or if you’re single, maybe tonight is the night you meet that special someone. Or maybe you’ll meet someone who is just special for tonight. We don’t know. We don’t care. This is a judgment free zone. FREE LOVE EVERYONE! SAVE FERRIS!

Ugh. Come to the Upstairs Gallery at 8pm for some laughs. 5219 N Clark St. BYOB. Free. Give us donations. So we can feed our drug habits. And by drug habits we mean pizza habits. And by pizza habits we mean WE’RE ADDICTED TO IMPROV AND IT GETS EXPENSIVE. MAKING SHIT UP AIN’T CHEAP!

upstairsgallery:

Thursday- February 7, 14, 21, 28- 8pm, Free (Donations Accepted), BYOB

What better month to get your fill on Sweet Kisses than February?

Join us Thursdays to enjoy a totally romantic or platonic night of improv and fun. Each show features a new team and an Upstairs Gallery house team. We’d love to see you there!

THIS WEEK featuring featuring Manny Mora and Velvet Rope

(Facebook Event)

Hello. Mallory here. I’m using my given name in its full form because that’s what I do when I’m upset.

On Monday night I saw The Impossible. It was one of the greatest movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life. So great that I went into a deep dark Wikipedia black hole afterwards and like now I know everything you could ever know about Maria Belon’s family and the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami. Test me. I’ll get a gold star. I also sent an email to my whole family imploring them to see this movie and then got in a stupid fight with my stupid big brother about it. Dick.

You guys. I had to just sit in the theater after the movie was over for a solid ten minutes to recuperate. It was that good. I don’t think I’ve ever had to do that. Not even after Apollo 13!

Now here’s my problem. The Impossible only got one Oscar nomination.  Like we should just give Silver Linings Playbook and Argo all the Oscars right? HERE JENNIFER LAWRENCE. HERE BEN AFFLECK. HAVE THESE OSCARS. JUST TAKE THEM.

I mean I was SHOCKED to learn that the only Oscar nomination that The Impossible got was for Naomi Watts as Best Actress. And LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, ACADEMY. You’re a bunch of boners. I actually don’t know how movies get nominated but:

a) if Naomi Watts doesn’t win, I am going to punch a hole in Jessica’s TV and start crying. Naomi Watts was unfuckingbelievable. Like. How was she that good? I don’t know. I don’t.

b) I’m not sure why everyone wants to eat Jennifer Lawrence and Jessica Chastain’s vaginas. And don’t get me wrong, I thought Jennifer was GREAT in Winter’s Bone but like go eat a dick Silver Linings Playbook. Oh wah I’ll just write a movie about a bunch of crazy people and The Eagles and then get a bunch of pretty famous people to act in it and then I’ll get some awards. Fuck off. And Jessica Chastain are you kidding me? She didn’t do ANYTHING in that movie. She like cried once. Other than that she just like stared dramatically at walls and had like 5 lines. Here’s a dick. Eat it.

c) Seriously. Eat a dick Silver Linings Playbook. You were like a good movie or whatever. But you know what I did after I saw that movie? I ate a steak and did a jigsaw puzzle and just like went about my life. You’re a good picture. You are NOT a best picture. And Argo? You were a good movie and I learned a lot about the Iranian Hostage Crisis (talk about a serious gap in my public education) and I’m grateful for that. And sure you can have an Oscar nod but I’m mostly just upset that you got so many nods and The Impossible only got one. I guess it’s not your fault. Sorry. I’m just upset and taking it out on you.

d) Les Mis. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Dear academy. Who on the Les Mis payroll is sucking your cock? I’m serious. This is coming from the lady who would defend any shitty movie musical to the death because I fucking love movie musicals. YOU CAST RUSSELL CROWE AS JAVERT. HE SOUNDS LIKE HES SINGING THROUGH A VACUUM CLEANER. Oh. Anne Hathaway is amazing because she’s so skinny and cut her hair and let you film her with a booger hanging out of her nose? Bet it’s not a real booger. I let people film me with real boogers hanging out of my nose on the regular. Where is my award? HOW IS THIS A BEST PICTURE NOMINEE AND THE IMPOSSIBLE ISN’T?! The only thing I thought after Les Mis was “Hmph. Russell Crowe has a terrible voice and that movie was so long. I need a sandwich.” THAT’S IT. THE ONLY THING I FELT WAS HUNGRY!

e) At least give The Impossible a nod for makeup (Naomi Watts looks like so close to dead at so many points that I was like “how the fuck did they do this”) or special effects. THEY LITERALLY BROUGHT YOU INTO A TSUNAMI. YOU ARE AT POINTS IN A TSUNAMI. IT TOOK THEM A YEAR TO MAKE THAT 10 MINUTE SCENE OF THE WAVE!

So okay. The Oscars are a bunch of horse shit and I hate them and if I ever get one I’m going to accept it but I’m also going to ask a bunch of questions like “Can I share this with The Impossible?” or “Did someone suck your dick to get me this Oscar? Because I know I didn’t” or “DID ANY OF YOU EVEN WATCH THE IMPOSSIBLE?”

I’m out.

PS- I know I am making a lot of enemies with this post. Jess loves the Oscars and most of my friends loved Silver Linings Playbook. None of my friends have seen The Impossible. So do me a favor, readers. Before you get upset about this post, go see The Impossible. And THEN we can talk like grownups. Cool?

HEY! We are in this show! This is our show! Come see this show! Every Thursday in February at 8pm at the Upstairs Gallery in Andersonville! COME SEE OUR SHOW!!!!!

upstairsgallery:

Thursday- February 7, 14, 21, 28- 8pm, Free (Donations Accepted), BYOB

What better month to get your fill on Sweet Kisses than February?

Join us Thursdays to enjoy a totally romantic or platonic night of improv and fun. Each show features a new team and an Upstairs Gallery house team. We’d love to see you there!

THIS WEEK featuring ButtDog (Trolley) and Hunkz R Us

(Facebook Event)