Check out this week’s Screen Shots on Peaches & Hot Sauce or… read below!

Jess here.

Each holiday season at my elementary school, we’d eagerly prepare for the ‘holiday’ concert. A chance to celebrate the joy and good tidings of the season and perform for our parents. It was called a holiday concert because there was one song about Hanukkah, which sounded much like the Imperial March. I was the only ‘full’ Jewish kid in my school and there were two ‘halfies,’ so I was delighted that we were singing anything about Hanukkah at all. (When you’re 10, it feels good to have differences recognized. When you’re 12, that pride dissipates and you just wish your back-ne would go away.)

Now here’s where things took a turn for the un-jolly. Ms. Darwood (remember her?), the British English teacher, who also ran choir, had us sing ‘Gloria in excelsis Deo,’ a pretty little hymn in an ancient language. Fine. Ms. Darwood also put me in the front row because choir was arranged from shortest to tallest and I was THE shortest. Fine.

But apparently this song is super Jesus-y and my mother did not want me singing really religious songs about Jesus Christ. (“I didn’t send you to public school for this…etc…etc..”) After some protesting from me and much shaming from mom, I agreed not sing the super religious lines from Gloria.

The holiday concert arrived. When the accompanist began playing the first few notes in Gloria, with my mother watching and me standing tall (or as tall as I could) I kept my mouth firmly closed during Gloria. And in that moment I decided it would the last time I kept my mouth closed about anything. Bet you really regret picking that battle, eh ma?

Dear Tourists,

Thank you so much for spending your hard earned vacation time in our wonderful city. Welcome! As someone who lives in the neighborhood, I thought I’d offer a few quick tips and tricks to make sure you get the most out of your time in the Windy City. This is all based off of behavior I’ve noticed these past few weeks, so I hope you find it helpful. Enjoy!

1. Pay attention to your surroundings. Michigan avenue is the busiest pedestrian street in the 3rd biggest city in the country. Especially during the summer when folks like you flock to enjoy the flagship stores of many of your favorite retailers. Act accordingly. Don’t take pictures in the middle of the fucking crosswalk. Don’t swing your baby around in circles while waiting at a red light. Don’t fucking text while you cross the street. Have you not seen the size of our big city buses? Do you want that to hit you? How about the size of our big city people? Do you want that to hit you? Didn’t think so.
2. Garrett’s Popcorn. WHAT A DELIGHT! I recommend the Chicago mix (cheese and caramel mixed together OH YUM!) I know you haven’t noticed, but one of the drawbacks of Garrett’s popcorn (or really any flavored popcorn!) is that it gets all over your fingers. And when you wipe your sticky cheese-caramal fingers all over your white or khaki or pastel pants? It looks like you a) sat in shit or b) shit in them. Garrett’s has napkins. Take some. You and I both know you didn’t shit your pants. But another person might not be so savvy.
3. Seriously. Don’t swing your baby in circles. I know it feels fun. There is a park immediately east of Michigan avenue. Do all the baby swinging you want there. Just don’t do it in the middle of a street that has thousands of fucking people milling about.
4. Don’t read your iPad while walking down Michigan Avenue. Why? Because you will either walk into someone and they will shake their fist at you like an angry New Yorker (and all we really want to be is nice Midwesterners!) or someone will steal it. And your wallet. And your watch. Again. This is the 3rd biggest city in America. Act accordingly. 
5. Zip your purse or backpack. I’m serious. I know it’s inconvenient because you want easy access to your Camelbak and folding map. Well hey guess what? Bad people want easy access to your wallet and iPad. Don’t give it to them. We want you to leave Chicago with more belongings than when you left! Shop shop shop!
6. You know that gizmo in your pocket that makes phone calls, sends texts, browses the internet, and takes all of your photos? It also has a map. I’M SERIOUS IT DOES! And that map is probably really good. GPS, up to date, changes directions with you, and it will even tell you where your hotel is. I KNOW! I KNOW! IT’S AMAZING! If you stop me on the street to give you directions to your hotel, I’m happy to help. I will probably accidentally give you bad directions because I live in my apartment not a hotel. But I’ll do my best. Or, you could just ask your phone. Your phone will tell you how to get to The Embassy Suites! AND it will walk with you the whole way there! AMAZING. See? You don’t need me.
7. Stop swinging your baby. It can’t be good for it’s youthful arm sockets. Seriously stop it.
8. Chicago has so many delicious restaurants! I know that CPK, Cheesecake Factory, and PF Changs look familiar and safe and yummy. But do yourself a favor and venture a few blocks west into River North for some fine dining and you won’t be disappointed. Or even better? Grab a cab and head to the West Loop. You can eat all the CPK you want Elmhurst. Eat something more delicious in Chicago. Trust me.
9. Speaking of things that are delicious in Chicago… even if you don’t like the pizza or hot dogs served at your favorite bowling alley in Kankakee or Cedar Rapids, do yourself a favor and try it here. Just try it. Get everything fully loaded. Again… napkins. Thank me later.
10. You just dislocated your baby’s arm from all the swinging. I warned you. The hospital is a few blocks east. Don’t worry. It’s just off Michigan Avenue. Use the map on your phone.

Thanks for visiting!

Love,

Mal

Fine. US Weekly reported it first. Details, details. Well. We don’t know what to think or how to sort out our feelings quite yet. All we know is that we love The Voice to a fault. Feel free to leave your feelings in the comments.

Jess will be spending the rest of the day working out her emotions. I wouldn’t be surprised to see more from her later.  WHAT A WEDNESDAY! WHAT A WORLD! 

This week’s Screen Shots are up! Check it out on Peaches and Hot Sauce here! (or… just read below)

As you get older, your hangovers get worse. This is something I’m learning. Over and over and over again.

In college I would go to the bar on Tuesdays for  ”Mexican Night” (no joke) and drink all the $2 tequila shots my little heart desired! THEN I WOULD DANCE! SO FUN! Oh and Thursdays? Thursdays was dollar long islands. NO JOKE. LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS FOR A DOLLAR! Talk about DANCING! And then? I would wake up at 9am and go to class like nothing happened. And I was skinny too!

In my early twenties I was the kind of girl who would wake up from a night out with a handsome man in my bed (usually handsome. sometimes not. can’t win ‘em all!) I had a little more money to spend than in college but it didn’t matter. Because of all the handsome men! Thanks, handsome men! And then? I would wake up and go to work! And I felt great! Ah! How fun!

Now that I’m balls deep in my mid twenties, I wake up with a half empty lemon-lime Gatorade leaking onto my sheets and the remnants of a frozen pizza crumbled into my pillow. Sometimes there’s a handsome man. Always there’s an ache in my wallet. Frequently there’s Easy Mac or Ramen noodles for breakfast. And then? I have to spend the rest of the day in my Gatorade/pizza bed. Because I can’t manage to do anything else. 

Seems like there’s nowhere to go but down. And I’m actually looking forward to it. There have been some men in my bed who I haven’t quite liked. But I can’t say the same about a pizza.